Sleep Spent

Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics

I was a particular combination of bored and tired last night, which led me to stay in at our (very nice) hotel. While most of my fellow travellers were partying at Europe’s largest discoteque (described by a particularly surly classmate as a “five story death trap”), I read a little Pickwick Papers and watched a little television.

I had flipped on the tube when, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a naked woman dancing to techno music. I immediately put this down to (a) the very liberated stance Europe seems to take on carnal pleasure and (b) the Czech version of my experience in Germany, where 23:00 means soft core porn on the public TV stations (w00t). It turned out to be something far more interesting.

Were this just another “didn’t we see this same shot 10 minutes ago?” soft core porn flick, it would not have been worth mentioning. But what it turned out to be was an attempt at an actual talk show. Talk show + sex. It brings to mind such brave experiments in media as Search With Porn and Naked News. This show was called Peřička and the host, Blesku Zuzana, was quite attractive (see link). She carried on a conversation with her two guests from which I derived very little, beyond reference to “sexual” and “ejaculation,” two words which apparently are not unique to the English language. There was also a question where she very clearly mentioned the words incubus and succubus, and I’m pretty sure she wasn’t talking about the band and the South Park episode.

There was an audience for this show, but they did almost nothing at all. They didn’t laugh, they didn’t appear to smile, they barely moved; they clapped on cue, but that was all. One wondered what, exactly, their purpose was. I found out why they were there at the end of the show, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

When I turned on the program, a naked woman was dancing to techno music. Pretty tame, by all accounts, though still more than you’d see on anything within reach of the FCC. Zuzana came out and did a little monologue thing, which of course I didn’t understand a word of. Cut to moderately attractive woman who shouldn’t have gotten that boob job undressing herself “sensually” in front of a large grandfather clock. Zuzana came back and introduced her first guest, a frightening woman with curly black hair done up in a pony tail. Her all black wardrobe made her look like she would have been Goth if she had been born in 1985 and not 1972.

They talked for awhile while the audience sat completely still. They cut to commercials. Upon returning, there was a bizarre sequence involving a man on a beach dancing in a giant anarchy symbol in the sand, naked except for a red velvet lined cape. A terribly attractive woman in a white cloak appeared, as they are wont to do, and the two of them bumped uglies to the now-ubiquitous techno music. Back to Zuzana, and a man was brought on. After a few minutes (during which the incubus question was asked), the television audience must have been getting restless, because they showed a pre-taped interview with an male erotic fire dancer.

Now, guys, I think you’ll agree with me on this one: if there is one thing you do NOT want anywhere near your Johnson (besides a knife), it’s fire. But this man got down to his skivvies, and then lost even those. He was breathing fire and placing the torch uncomforatably close to his tadger. Oh, and he was ripped!

There was a female dancer as well, though she didn’t use fire. Hers appeared to be a more straightforward act — well, if anything involving a vibrator can be called “straightforward.”

Zuzana returned, and the show ended with a woman doing a striptease in the studio, complete with fog. But it wasn’t just a striptease, because that would be boring. No, they displayed two numbers on the screen and told people to call one of them if they liked what they were seeing and the other one if they didn’t. So there was a running percentage along the bottom of the screen, based on how she was doing. (The percentages shot up as soon as the bra came off, and they didn’t come back down that far. You can speed dial with only one hand, and I guess when you speed dial it’s easier to stick with your vote....)

I know slightly-interactive television isn’t new, but I’ve only ever seen “e-mail us and we’ll put your quote on the air.” I’ve never seen up-to-the-second approval ratings. Imagine what this could do for, say, live comedy routines. Or TV show pilots. Or Presidential debates. The possibilties are endless.

The show ended after that, sadly, but not before I had been thoroughly shocked and impressed. I have seen the future, and it’s pretty fucking racy.